Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
