i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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