Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
