Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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