There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.