Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
