She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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