We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
