the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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