I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
