oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
