God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
