He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
