Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
