I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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