I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
