You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
