I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
