I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
