he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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