i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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