There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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