My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
