im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
