Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
