dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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