god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Found your dick twin last night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
