Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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