apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
