I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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