well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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