You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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