Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
