Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
