You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
