singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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