My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
