The maid of honor just puked.
You can't special order awesome
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
