I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
