I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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