I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
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I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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