I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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