Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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