I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize