It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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