Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
