More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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