my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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