How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
