Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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