I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
