I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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