Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
