i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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