Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
