Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
