I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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