he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i now understand why vodka
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
