apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
