theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
40s are totally the cure
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Im part way to drunk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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